My Thoughts…

Who is little Janice? She is none other than my cute adorable cousin. She is going to be 7 next year She started Puay Chai today. Later than the others for she was away in New Zealand. Unfortunately, she has to come back before her other siblings to go for orientation at her new school. She is happy to be in standard 1 and she is so excited. She is so hyper.

Love this little cousin of mine to bits. She is so adorable and she comforts you when you feel down without realising it. She can put a smile to your face. Even when her brother get me so piss off, she would actually make me forget bout the annoying brother of hers and enjoy my day

Was at home on the day of christmas. Was kinda bored. Nothing to do at home other than tidy the house and help out here and there. Most of the time, I’m sleeping or watching TV or doing my work. I was bored enough to play with the dog.

Mostly I got my stuff done. I manage to wash my car which got dirty when I drove back. Rearrange some of my personal stuff at home. Manage to make some pineapple tarts. Manage to run my errands. Manage to get a gift for a friend. Still have time to enjoy. Thought I would be bored for I can finish my anime in a day. Unfortunately, I don’t have time to watch yet.

Hehehe…Merry Christmas and A Happy New Year!!!

Christmas was spend in KL this year. Even my relatives are not here (all went for holiday elsewhere) but it was nice. I meet some old friends from my hometown. Other than that, I met my Godparents there At least it was ok. All I want for christmas is something else A present no one can give… hehehe

On the first day of Christmas I ask santa for one special person
On the second day of Christmas I ask santa for two bungalows
On the third day of Christmas I ask santa for three Mecerdez-Benz
On the fourth day of Christmas I ask santa for four IBM laptops
On the fifth day of Christmas I ask santa for five Sony Ericsson handphones
On the sixth day of Christmas I ask santa for six PDAs
On the seventh day of Christmas I ask santa for seven free days of shopping
On the eighth day of Christmas I ask santa for eight IPod Video
On the ninth day of Christmas I ask santa for nine Disney jigsaw Puzzles
On the tenth day of Christmas I ask santa for ten dosen of roses
On the eleventh day of Christmas I ask santa for eleven days in Disneyland Florida
On the twelveth day of Christmas I ask santa for twelve million USD

That is the twelve days of Christmas song that I change. Hehehe… Some of it are true but not the quantity of it
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!!

Christmas is around the corner but I don’t seem to be as excited as I once were. This would be the second year that I celebrating Christmas with my family alone. Every year, it would be a family gathering but this year its just me and my family. How I wish that my friends would come and make it move lifely for me. Half of my relatives are in New Zealand celebrating while one more uncle and his family hardly join in the celebration. Feel like not whole at all.

I only have one wish for Christmas but I’m not sure if that wish would come true At least Melanie had fun in Singapore for her pre-Christmas celebration with her friends. Haih… Hope there could be some surprise this Christmas to lift my spirit up

A friend ask me if I have met someone where we both love each other so much but it wasn’t meant to be? I think I might have and might not. I don’t know. For I’m unsure of what it is to happen in future. For my friend’s case, she love that guy and the guy loves her and they are both very close to each other. The problem is the guy. Fear that things might change in their close relationship if they go futher and things turn sour. For her she understands for there are other reason for that also. That guy is a “Ang Mo Kia”. These people are known to be either very cunning or very good. It all depends.

As for me, I think I would risk it to go futher but to pull out when things don’t seem to work out. Love is a risk to take. For me I believe that, it is better hurt than not love at all. But along the process, it won’t be easy and it is hard. Only the tough one would last and I’m not sure if I’m the tough one. There is so little assurance and security at this time that the slightest thing you hear would really trigger you and then the hurt would begin.

My biggest fear is that I’m living in a dreamworld now. That all this are short life. Nothing good ever happen to me so far. I doubt if anything good would happen. If it does, it is short-life. Many a times I try to be strong but I end up breaking down. I think there is a person who would be so glad this is happening to me. She/he would just go on like this till she/he met her/his target.

One thing I don’t understand a person is, how can you take your ex as a back-up if your future relationship doesn’t work out. By making the ex believe that they have a future together and holding him/ her back. Be sweet and how you are when you first attract your ex. After putting so much pain to the ex, then she/he herself/himself feel being caged when are together. I just don’t get it. This is one way I can get hurt if it happens to me. I just can’t take it if a person who hide their true self from me, suddenly show me the real side of them, then keep putting the fake self in front of me. It piss me off and annoys me for they always make the opposite gender attract to them and make them think I’m an idiot and no sportmanship for I can’t accept it. It is hard especially when you are played out by that same person a few times. Worst is when history might repeat itself.

This is why the pass few days been so hard for me. Why I have been crying and still there are tears spare for more crying. I just don’t know what I am to do anymore and the future is scaring me. I have just reach a dead end road. Anytime I would fall and not sure how to get back up. The only string that is pulling me up is lossening from its hold. I really do not know what I am to to anymore…

As I look up to the sky,
Dark clouds are closing in,
I do not know where to find shelter,
For all around me seems so dark.

Waiting for the street lights to be lighted,
At least I could see my surroundings,
I feel so lonely at the dark streets,
For there isn’t anyone there other than me.

Droplets of rain begin to fall,
I start to run to seek shelter,
I run and run,
But it seems like I’m still at the same spot.

I look around hoping I can see a glimpse of light,
But it seems like I’m trap in a dark box,
Everywhere I look I see darkness,
Feeling of loneliness creeping on me.

I sat there in the rain,
Crying my heart out,
Not knowing what to do or where to go,
Praying hard someone would come rescue me.

It’s like every night Rajiv would be hand itchy for counter strike so end up at cyber cafe for nearly the entire night. One thing cool, getting better at it if Rajiv isn’t mean enuff to kill me at the start. He loves to kill me when we are on the same team so that he could have more kills and earn money while I vice versa. If not he would have Guoy to be with him and kill me. How kind of them. Mostly we play with bots. But when we play amount ourselves, its always guys versus gals. Not fair!!! It would be Rajiv and Guoy against me, Louisa and Sharon. Now got new member who is Woon Shen
At least after so many crazy nights, last night we didn’t stay out for cs. All going broke due to it. Worst I think I injure my back sitting there too long. The muscle or nerve at my right back hurts like hell. It is either due to sitting on the chair there and playing or i accidentally injure myself when I’m sleeping. Can’t sleep on my side which sucks. When I get up it hurts like hell. Maybe some people out there are happy and say I deserve it but who cares.

Life is a rough road ahead and it is getting rougher for me. All seems to be like end of the world to me. Can’t really see a light ahead. Going through very dark path recently that all I can do is cry nearly everyday. I haven’t been this frighten in my life other than nearly being killed when I was 4 years old. That time I was too young to know anything still. Feeling lost is the worst feeling ever to have now. Not knowing what to do brings tears to me. Can anyone help me out???

I was back in Taiping for 3 days. On my way back, I pick Louisa from Tapah I think I’m a bad host for didn’t take her round. I only fed her

Did nothing much on Monday other than paddle boat in lake gardens and walk around Fajar supermarket and pasar malam. Tuesday, took her for breakfast, get my car alignment done and more pasar malam. Wednesday, nothing much can be done for coming back KL. But we manage to meet Wei Wan for breakfast at a place call "Kakak" at market road. Louisa say it is delicious. It is always delicious

Now back in KL and hoping more people would come and visit me in Taiping

There are times where there would be friends that want to influence your judgement on others and most of the time we accept it. This is common practise. That is how bullies are actually started. They don’t take the blame and put it on others to make them look bad for there isn’t anyway out.

There is this phrase “Those with great minds are dangerous”. Why do I say so? Those with intelligent minds can use it either for good or bad purposes. Never let the outer part fool you. I have a friend who was called a bully and she can’t even stand up for herself. I too was in the same position before. I was told off when I told the truth. How does that feel? I think you have heard of the story, “Boy calling wolf”. He went to fool people when there isn’t a wolf but when the real wolf came, no one want to help him. So if we are called a bully and have hard proof we are innocent, we can clear our name but if we don’t have, how are we to clear our name. All would believe it still. Like the boy called wolf when there isn’t a wolf. When the farmer found out it is fake, they didn’t bother when the real wolf came. This would be the punishment the bully would get if he goes on.

Why bother to tell others bout this? Why tell people of high education what a bully is like? It is like an insult that we don’t know one when we see one. Isn’t the person who wrote bout it refering the whole issue about himself? How else would he be so clear about it? Why he bother bout teaching others bout how a bully is like?

We have to look at a mirror before we talk bout others. I remember a friend told me this,”What we say about others reflect back on our own personality”. If not, why does certain things disturb us so much that we have to tell the entire world. Worst, backstabbing? That would be a strong word to use but talking bad bout others behind their back and spreading fake rumours. Eventhough it happen to me, I have to accept that I’m not perfect and everyone have the right to talk bout others for different people have different views. Why must we make everyone have the same view as you? Isn’t that bully?

We are individuals who has our own views. We shouldn’t let others influence our judgement. There are some that can be taken as advice but some have to be filter. There is a saying, “Can’t judge a book from its cover”. We have to know the person better before we pass judgement so it would be fair. There could be reasons a person behave in a way. Each person have different issues to deal with or face. The mattered used to solve are also different. Accept that not all humans are perfect and do things the same way as others. Just remember that.

Lastly, it would be bad to think that a person have mental problem just because she/he can’t handle their problem well. When you say that, maybe that person itself needs it for he/ she can’t settle their problem and embarass to be known he/she has this difficulty. I won’t deny that I have seen one for caunseling sessions to work out my issues for I’m too proud to admit I have weakness. Now I learn to accept my weakness and I’m now leading a happy life