HILLARY’S FIRST NIGHT AS PRESIDENT in January 2008
Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in the White House. She has waited so long……….
The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says, “How can I best serve my country?”
Washington says, “Never tell a lie.”
“Ouch!” Says Hillary, “I don’t know about that.”
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears…. Hillary says, “How can I best serve my country?”
Jefferson says, “Listen to the people.”
“Ohhh! I really don’t want to do that.”
On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears…. Hillary says, “How can I best serve my country?”
Lincoln says, “Go to the theater.”
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WALMART GREETER
An unattractive, mean-spirited woman barged into Walmart with her two kids. Shoving her way past several customers waiting to get carts, she demanded of the Walmart Greeter, “Go through those carts and find me one that doesn’t need oiling for once!”
“Yes, Ma’am, happy to oblige,” said the Greeter. He chose a cart for her. “Here you are, Ma’am. I hope this one is okay.’
“If you’d move out of the way, I could find out!”, snapped the woman.
“Sorry, Ma’am,” the Greeter said, standing aside. “You and the twins have a nice day.”
The woman halted. “They’re not twins, you moron! They don’t even look alike.”
The greeter agreed. “No they don’t, Ma’am. I just find it hard to believe you got laid twice.”
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Indian Olympics
The Indian Olympics were taking place in Duncan, B.C. and the next competition was the Hammer Toss.
The first Indian up was representing New Brunswick. He grabs the hammer and tosses it 250 yards.
” Holy shit you have broken the worlds record, How’d you do it?” he is asked.
“My grandfather was a fisher, my father is a fisher and I am a fisher,have strong arms, throw hammer far.”
The second Indian is representing BC, grabs the hammer and tosses it 300 yards.
“You just broke the last guys record, How’d you do it?” he is asked.
“My grandfather was a logger, my father is a logger and I am a logger, strong arms, throw hammer far.”
The third Indian is representing Manitoba and he grabs the hammer and throws it 375 yards.
“Holy shit, you just blew everyone away, How’d you do it?”
“My grandfather was on welfare, my father is on welfare and I am on welfare. I was taught that if I ever see a tool, pick it up and throw it as far away as possible.”
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School Answering Machine
(This is hilarious - no wonder some people were offended!) This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School ( California) staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine.
This is reported to be the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children’s absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children’s failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough schoolwork to pass their classes.
The outgoing message:
“Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:
* To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
* To make excuses for why your child did not do his work- Press 2
* To complain about what we do - Press 3
* To swear at staff members - Press 4
* To ask why you didn’t get information that was already enclosed in your
newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
* If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
* If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
* To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8
* To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
* To complain about school lunches - Press 0
* If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework and that it’s not the teachers’ fault for your child’s lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!
If you can read this - thank a teacher!
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A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.
“You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one,” the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear.
“The young people of today have grown up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing ….and,” the younger man paused to take a drink……
The Senior took advantage of the break in the student’s self important litany and said, “You’re right, son. We didn’t have those things when we were young……..so, unfortunately, we had to invent them. Now, tell me young man, what are you doing for the next generation?”
