My Thoughts…

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, “THAT’S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.”

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets!

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curseword known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming: “It’s gone! It’s all GONE! “I lost everything when the power went out!”

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate. “Wait!” he screamed. “That’s not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don’t have any?”

God just shrugged and said,
JESUS SAVES

One day an employee sends a letter to her boss asking for an increase in her salary !!!

Dear Bo$$
In thi$ life, we all need $ ome thing mo$ t de$ perately. I think you $hould be under $tanding of the need $ of u $ worker $ who have given $o much $upport including $ weat and $ervice to your company.

I am $ure you will gue $$ what I mean and re $pond $oon.

Your$ $incerely,
Marian $hih

The next day, the employee received this letter of reply :

Dear Marian
I kNO w you have been working very hard. NO wadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NO ticed that our company is NOt doing NO ticeably well as yet.

NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading eco NOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into a NOther recession. After the NO vember presidential elections things may turn bad.

I have NOthing more to add NOw. You k NOw what I mean.

Yours truly,
Manager

The problems with GUYS:
If you TREAT him nicely, he says you are IN LOVE with him.
If you DON’T, he says you are PROUD.

If you DRESS nicely, he says you are trying to LURE him.
If you DON’T, he says you are from the KAMPUNG.

If you ARGUE with him, he says you are STUBBORN.
If you keep QUIET, he says you have no BRAINS.

If you are SMARTER than him, he’ll lose FACE.
If he’s SMARTER than you, he is GREAT.

If you don’t LOVE him, he tries to POSSESS you.
If you LOVE him, he would try to LEAVE you. (very true huh?)

If you DON’T make love to him, he says you DON’T LOVE him.
If you do!! He says you are CHEAP.

If you tell him your PROBLEMS, he says you are TROUBLESOME.
If you DON’T, he says you do not TRUST him.

If you SCOLD him, you are like a NANNY to him.
If he SCOLDS you, it is because he CARES for you.

If you BREAK your PROMISE, you CAN’T be TRUSTED.
If he BREAKS his, he is FORCED to do so.

If you SMOKE, you are a BAD GIRL.
If he SMOKES, he is a GENTLEMAN.

If you do WELL in your exam, he says it is LUCK.
If he does well, its BRAINS.

If you HURT him, you are CRUEL.
If he HURTS you, you are too SENSITIVE!!!

SO HARD TO PLEASE!!!

When you pass this to the guys, they would say that it is not true…
But is you do not pass to them, they would say you are selfish…

This was an email from Louisa and Su Ann ^_^

I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to you, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble shitting.

No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my ass-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle
between my asscheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling. Eventually I would have to do two
things: either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what
I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can’t-Be-Flushed threshold.

I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. “Hey! This is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don’t I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out
like beer from a keg!” I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. “How many Indians could there be?” said by General Custer. “Looks like a good day
for a drive!” by JFK. “There! AmericaOn-Line now has complete Usenet access!” by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea.

I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair.
Occassionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn baby. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My ass was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over.

Little did I know.

I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two asscheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry.

Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic shit- molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky shit/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm.

Unfortunately again, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants,
and attempted to dry my ass off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering shit/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my ass cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own shit blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: “It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks.”

Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my ass at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for ass-hair-ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my
asscheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil.

As if that wasn’t enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your ass having the texture of a brillo
pad. Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn’t just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy
splat, rather than endure this constant agony.

Friends, DON’T SHAVE YOUR ASS-HAIR:nono:

This is a article taken from an e-mail from Su Ann =)

*1. Free black plastic bag*
You can’t get those cool black coloured bags anywhere.The ones sold outside are too big and they are meantfor the tong sampah.

*2. Family bond*
Every weekend, when you go to wangsa maju JJ, you can see little kids running to the VCD shop to select their favourite Pokemon cartoon VCD. And then mommy will come along to find her favourite Teresa Teng VCD. Next comes big sister to select her F4 VCD. And lastly, big bro and daddy searching for the latest movies … and try to eye for some you-know-what VCD. Anyway, the whole idea is, the pirated VCD shop is like a place for weekend family reunion. When was the last time you saw daddy buying little Billy a VCD in Speedy Video ?

*3. Cinema sucks*
When you reach the cinema, you’ll have to line up for 15 minutes before it’s your turn to get the ticket. By then, they tell you ticket sudah habis.

So you buy tickets for the next show and have to wait another 3 hours. When the time comes, the ticket usher stops you from bringing nasi lemak and cha-kuay-teow into the hall.So you’re forced to line up another 10 minutes in the snack bar. By then, you’re already late for the show. Lampu sudah tutup when you go in. Oooppss.. terjatuh and veryone laughs at you. Next, the cinema bores you with 15 minutes of iklan. Frankly speaking, I dunno why the government ban ‘triple x’ VCDs when all the beer commercials in the cinema feature sluts dancing around. Later, your handphone rings and everyone boos you.

At last, the show ends but you’ll need to beratur through the smelly exit. After 30 mintues, you notice that your handphone is lost. The only thing good about cinemas is the fact that you can throw kua-chi on the floor.

*4. Customer Friendly Sellers*
Buying VCDs from the stall is like dining in a luxury restaurant. First, those blond hair sellers will greet you with ‘leng-chai’. It’s now time to order the meal. If you know what to order, they will search the title for you.
But if you’re undecided, these fellas will suggest some meals for you.

Strangely, all movies (according to them) are nice to watch. When you’ve finished, here comes the main course. The rectangular box containing all the finest artistic international stuff.(porn?)..

And you can bargain too! But when you buy VCDs from Speedy Video, the shop assistants will stand few meters away from you, with their arms tied and eyes alert, thinking that you’re another shoplifter.

*5. Beli barang buatan Malaysia*
The title says it all. No need to say more.

6. You go to the movies…while watching the most suspense part in a love movie….as the guy and girl are about to kiss…all of a sudden, the screen goes into matrix mode. And then it changes to some dull scene. Doesn’t this sound familiar? Say thank you to our censorship board for helping us remove the “naughty” parts. You never get this when you buy pirated CDs.

7. 6 years ago, piracy was a minority because of the original CD pricing and contents. 3 years ago, they increased original CD prices by 70% and say it’s because of import duties, tax and other crap.While at the same time, the pirated CD prices drop by 50% - 70%. Customers would prefer to buy from a sale right?

*8. Piracy helps students to learn new programs at a reduced price cost*
If every student is going to spend RM800 just to buy Adobe Photoshop, then Malaysia would lag behind in the computer graphics industry. So in the long run, Malaysia’s economic status becomes better with more knowledgeable citizens.

9. As people are willing to spend money on pirated CDs but not that willing to buy original cds, they are circulating the money and *helping to increase the GDP.*

*10. Pirated VCDs offer the latest movies*
Even before they are shown in the U.S.! Compare this to original VCDs,where you have to wait for a few
months after the movie is first released.

We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below…

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: “You’re next.”

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.